Welp, I have been neglecting bloggyland for a b-i-g reason other than enjoying Noemi. I have been planning a necessary escape from my current work situation. This may seem confusing due to my most recent post on how well things are going for Noemi--and they are--on the days I am able to concentrate on her. The days I work are terrible. I can't do it anymore when I see how healthy our relationship feels when I am home with her. So a change needs to happen. pronto.Let it be known that I love my work and the people with whom I work. I have been tremendously committed to the field of early childhood special education since before the day I took my first full-time job in '97 an hour's drive from my apartment making $6.60 an hour. Sweeeeeet. That was the life. I digress...
After Noemi came home I reduced my hours to half-time. Two & a half days/week seemed like a good fit with the perfectly crafted child care situation between her two grandmothers. But cancer and Alzheimer's happens to people we love. Life circumstances change; people other than Noemi have required care. Babysitters and child care were brought into the picture to fill the gaps. Each one of the people involved has been wonderful, but it just hasn't worked. The stress of changing situations has been incredible. Sosi has been angry/scared/nervous/confused/all of the above. Her sleep is now off only on the nights I work (hmmmmmm....). Her mood is that of an angsty teenager the mornings she sees me up early to shower (a sure-tell sign that I am leaving her....). Most concerning is that I dread coming home from work because there is a period of time upon me entering the house where Noemi works out her rage toward me. I dream of the day that I can assume a reunion with my daughter will be pleasant.
So...I had the tough conversation with my supervisors and we crafted a one day/week position. I have been working on a state grant this school year to help increase the rate and quality of inclusive services for preschoolers with special needs in our region. With my new position, I will have a grant contract and will be doing the behind the scenes work of the grant (ie: paperwork). No more evaluations. No more directly training teachers. No more driving all over this great land of Central Pennsylvania to meet with preschools. I'll be an official desk girl. This means when the grant comes to an end in June, so does my position. Unless I can get my paws on another grant. I am just fine with the outcome, either way. I feel extremely fortunate to be able to continue doing something that I love for now knowing that Noemi is with her grandma. Most importantly, having all of that extra time to concentrate on Noemi is going to be just what the doc ordered.
I have always wanted to be home 100% with my children, but when I spoke with my supervisors about resigning I had a pit in my stomach. A: I'd seriously ache for my work. i tried explaining this to Donovan by asking him how he would feel if he couldn't hold a camera anymore--no more photography for you, bucko. as if women can't have passions outside of our children B: I feared not having an emergency exit. what if she has another flare-up? can i handle the intensity of the situation 100% of the time or will it just make me a burned-out wackadoodle mother? Additionally, Noemi's loving relationship with her Grandma is a long-term one, one we are committed to and one that is worth continuing to grow through some of the hard stuff. So the new contract starting in January feels like a good solution. It's been in the works for the past month, but was just approved by our board the other evening so I can officially go public with the news.And so, my post-bedtime moments have been spent planning conversations that needed to be had with supervisors, thinking creatively about work options if it didn't work out and revamping- re-framing-revamping our budget to see how we could make it work
There. That's the word on the street. And it feels sooooooooooo good.
