Staying Calm (Read: Trying To Stay Calm)

It’s been difficult to write on here lately, as I’ve struggled with how public of a forum this whole blog-thing is. Protecting Sosi’s privacy while being vulnerable enough to share our experiences in a get-real way is a difficult dance. The last few weeks have been a real hot mess in our house and I’m not so sure how to/what to report.

We are moving into a new stage of intensity with Sosi that has entailed more aggression surrounding the sleep process.

This aggression is NOT: Indicative of normal toddler tantrums (oh, believe me she has those too)…

It IS: Think super-size, strangely vacant aggression, coupled with affection.

I won’t go into details, but these encounters shake me to my core. It’s just so sad to try to help her through this struggle. I’m constantly reminded of the fragility of the baby brain. Sosi has been sweetly affectionate and clingy with me, which has been incredibly rewarding. The flip side of that is that she has been refusing to let Donovan do much of anything for her…and when I come she strangely rejects me with her next breath. I spent the bulk of last week in my shoulder brace due to frequent dislocations, so wrestling with my child was hardly an option. Being physically spent does not help one’s mental state in times such as this, so it has been one wicked downward spiral.

My mantra has been: stay calm, keep holding her, don’t let her go, maintain eye contact lovingly, stay calm… I’ve got this on a loop.

Donovan and I had our big two-day evaluation with The Institute for Children and Families. We have a few more sessions with them before treatment is determined but I already feel a sense of relief. When asked what my long-term hope was for Sosi I said, “That she won’t rob a liquor store when she’s 15.” Dear God--Is this the track we’re on? Sometimes I wonder. My real hope for her is that she’ll grow to trust herself and trust me beyond all measure--that she’ll know she can come to me when the going gets tough, not as a friend but as a mother.

According to the doc the bottom line is this: Our girl is working through some serious trauma and it will take her time to go through this process. She also assured us that others will not see Sosi at her worst, that she is vulnerable enough with me to display these behaviors. This is why she’ll calmly take a bottle from others or sleep quietly in the presence of others but that is not the case with me. For others, she goes with the flow out of self-preservation, but it is not her truest self. She has learned that I am the person to trust and she is terrified that I am going to leave her. Therefore, I am the trigger for these behaviors.

We are getting help--and learning that Sosi is on a very typical and positive course for working through the junk in her brain. We've been assured that the increased intensity is a sign that she is reaching a new level of intimacy with me. She’s so strong and resilient and I am constantly amazed at how much she has overcome. I’ve got a brave, brave girl who just may be president someday (if robbery doesn’t end up on her record, that is).

I’ve upgraded from red wine to vodka in recent weeks. It's been rough. But no worries, I’m keeping focused on working God overtime with lots of prayer for balance and strength for the both of us. He just keeps reminding me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that he has given us to each other for good reason. It is well with my soul (even if I have to remind myself of that at times).