Telling Stories

Tonight, I will tell a story. A story about a woman at her breaking point. A story about a woman who was deeply in love with her child. That child, though loved with great intention, did not always have the capabilities of feeling such love. She often rejected it with piercing eyes and was swallowed up by her own fear.

So this mother, upon finding her child finally quietly sleeping in the dark after long hours of crying, began to feel enraged. She felt angry on behalf of her daughter--for the time that had been stolen from her--for the life she could not fully embrace as her own. This mother found herself raising her hands over the limp body of that beautiful child and talking directly to Satan himself. She told him to leave with a sharp tongue--to get behind her in the name of Jesus Christ. She felt herself warm and shaking with the reality of the moment. This woman is not one to converse with Satan (at least not since she told the Bad Boy to leave her alone after having her Sesame Street Fever record taken away from her when she was 4 because it made her “too hyper…” but that’s another story for another time). In fact, the very idea of casting out evil evokes her cynical self. But this woman has been reduced to primal feelings, and her momma bear claws have come out. In that moment in the dark--in that sheer exhaustion and sadness--in that anger that results from injustice and agony--this woman called on the flippin’ devil himself to remove his ass from the premises. At. Once. She then lifted her palms and charged the Holy Spirit to hover over her sleeping child in protection. She felt a quietness settle in to that space. Her shaking stopped, her anger gone.

Since that night, this child has not but once screamed out in fear in the middle of the night. Not once.

The Fire That Consumes All Before It, Cy Twombly

Mind you, this woman knows that some of her friends would be quietly chuckling at her frontal lobe hocus-pocus and doubting the integrity behind such acts. She is also well aware that other friends are raising their hands with delight, affirming something that she has always dismissed as impulsive spirituality with some wackadoodle thrown in. But this woman is not looking for validation. She just wants to share a story. A story that makes her scratch her head and wonder if it was another mystical moment where the Holy Spirit intercedes in her life. She’s not naive enough to believe that her child will never again be afflicted with night time cries of fear and grief, but for the last few nights her child has slept peacefully. This makes her shudder in wonderment and challenges her cynicism. And by simply telling a story, her readers are not being asked to commit to belief, they are simply being asked to wonder with her.

Staying Calm (Read: Trying To Stay Calm)

It’s been difficult to write on here lately, as I’ve struggled with how public of a forum this whole blog-thing is. Protecting Sosi’s privacy while being vulnerable enough to share our experiences in a get-real way is a difficult dance. The last few weeks have been a real hot mess in our house and I’m not so sure how to/what to report.

We are moving into a new stage of intensity with Sosi that has entailed more aggression surrounding the sleep process.

This aggression is NOT: Indicative of normal toddler tantrums (oh, believe me she has those too)…

It IS: Think super-size, strangely vacant aggression, coupled with affection.

I won’t go into details, but these encounters shake me to my core. It’s just so sad to try to help her through this struggle. I’m constantly reminded of the fragility of the baby brain. Sosi has been sweetly affectionate and clingy with me, which has been incredibly rewarding. The flip side of that is that she has been refusing to let Donovan do much of anything for her…and when I come she strangely rejects me with her next breath. I spent the bulk of last week in my shoulder brace due to frequent dislocations, so wrestling with my child was hardly an option. Being physically spent does not help one’s mental state in times such as this, so it has been one wicked downward spiral.

My mantra has been: stay calm, keep holding her, don’t let her go, maintain eye contact lovingly, stay calm… I’ve got this on a loop.

Donovan and I had our big two-day evaluation with The Institute for Children and Families. We have a few more sessions with them before treatment is determined but I already feel a sense of relief. When asked what my long-term hope was for Sosi I said, “That she won’t rob a liquor store when she’s 15.” Dear God--Is this the track we’re on? Sometimes I wonder. My real hope for her is that she’ll grow to trust herself and trust me beyond all measure--that she’ll know she can come to me when the going gets tough, not as a friend but as a mother.

According to the doc the bottom line is this: Our girl is working through some serious trauma and it will take her time to go through this process. She also assured us that others will not see Sosi at her worst, that she is vulnerable enough with me to display these behaviors. This is why she’ll calmly take a bottle from others or sleep quietly in the presence of others but that is not the case with me. For others, she goes with the flow out of self-preservation, but it is not her truest self. She has learned that I am the person to trust and she is terrified that I am going to leave her. Therefore, I am the trigger for these behaviors.

We are getting help--and learning that Sosi is on a very typical and positive course for working through the junk in her brain. We've been assured that the increased intensity is a sign that she is reaching a new level of intimacy with me. She’s so strong and resilient and I am constantly amazed at how much she has overcome. I’ve got a brave, brave girl who just may be president someday (if robbery doesn’t end up on her record, that is).

I’ve upgraded from red wine to vodka in recent weeks. It's been rough. But no worries, I’m keeping focused on working God overtime with lots of prayer for balance and strength for the both of us. He just keeps reminding me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that he has given us to each other for good reason. It is well with my soul (even if I have to remind myself of that at times).

Meeeeooooww

Thanks to my dear friend Donna for sending this little number across the country for our wild cat. It doesn't seem to matter to Sosi that it's 85 degrees and humid...she's one fierce lioness!

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny

Noemi was introduced to summertime at the Jersey Shore last weekend. Having spent my summers growing up "down the shore," I declare partial rights to refer to myself as a fair-weather Jersey girl. Without the nails, Italian horn necklace and Aquanet, of course. I was hopeful that Noemi would take to the sun, sand and water and she did. As Donovan and I walked onto the promenade Friday evening to get some good-ol Jersey pizza, Sosi began pointing to the ocean and begging "please!!!" We walked her onto the sand in our clothes and she made a bee line straight for the water. No holding back--she ran into the cold ocean with a smile. I think I may have teared up with excitement over my natural beach girl. She loved every bit of the weekend, and made this mamma very, very proud.

Being set down on the sand for the first time, moments before her bolt into the water.

Her first dip in the Atlantic.

She rode her little wagon all over the beach.

Leaning in for a Sosi Smooch

My fav photo from the weekend. Showcases the thighs, no?

Our budding Jersey Girl

It's a rarity for this girl to be noticably pooped.

I can count on my hand the number of times she has fallen asleep in the car. Niiiiiiice. I think we'll be doing this again very soon.

Blue Ribbon Girl

9 months ago today we arrived home with a just 9-month old Noemi. That means that she has been with us for the same amount of time that she lived without us. From now on we can say that she has lived with us longer than anyone else. Noemi has thrived with this consistency…she’s one lil’ trooper if you ask me. Yup, I’ve bemoaned the challenges, but we’ve got some serious happy in these here parts of town. And so, in honor of my vibrant and thriving blue ribbon 18-month old…just a few of her accomplishments since she has been with us:

• Noemi was only sitting up when she arrived home in September and didn’t even know that she had lower extremities. Her hips and trunk are much stronger and she no longer qualifies for physical therapy. Now she is running all over creation with eager wonder. Up and down the steps--up and down all day long.

• This girl likes to talk--blah, blah, blah. She still signs, but would much rather tell you what’s on her mind. My favorite words: “nuna" (tuna), “uppa” (up), “mung” (monkey) and a howl-like “owwwwww” (cat).

• I love watching the wheels of language turning. She confidently makes the sign for “march” every time she sees the pile of mulch out front.

• Sosi is getting snuggly! Her body is now relaxed and she looks me in the eye during bottle time. She also lets her body sink into mine when she is tired or sad and she clings to me for comfort. She gets into bed with us most mornings to snuggle. She sinks into my lap to read books and she is starting to approach me to lay her head on my lap. Affections keep growing…9 months ago she sharply resisted all of this.

• My girl goes down the slide at the park All. By. Herself. Don’t even think about holding her hand--that would simply offend the budding independence.

• Sosi had a rocky relationship with our eager cat, Layla, when she arrived home. Remember this? They're now buds. It’s not uncommon to find the dynamic duo playing together with the same toys. Sosi thinks it's a hoot that Layla tries to jump into her crib each morning to affectionately wake her. Us, not so much.

• We’ve got a water baby. The first few times we gave Sosi a bath she cried hysterically. Now she sticks her face in the water to blow bubbles and kicks her feet to “swim.” She cries “no no no” when tubby time is over.

• Sleep (sigh). Sosi deserves a blue ribbon in this department (despite my grievances). She went from fighting us for hours each time we attempted to get her to fall asleep, to about 15 minutes on most days. She went from me having to rock her like a mad woman into a deep sleep to me now putting her in her crib still awake. Brave girl. Sometimes I forget just how far she has come.

• The “recovery day” is almost obsolete. We used to plan a lockdown day following any sort of activity. Now we can get out of the house everyday with significantly fewer melt-downs from over-stimulation. Bring on the birthday parties and play dates!

• Sosi is starting to entertain herself with books and toys. Even if only for a few minutes now, it’s a huge change from the non-stop attention I needed to provide her just a few short months ago. Bonus: I can now put her in front of an Elmo video to jump in the bathroom for a private shower. Go ahead, boo me now, but that Elmo is a freakin’ saint.