Giggles & Grunts: Life With the Girlie

Little Miss Crabbypants, looking innocent.

Many of you have contacted me expressing how you enjoy reading our story so much because it is honest. I’ve not sugar-coated the adoption experience as so many people want to do (and for some, I suppose, it is all sugary). But for us, and so many of you reading this blog, it’s been a series of ups and downs (oh my gosh--it has been crazy, hasn't it??). It is important to celebrate the ups, and yet I believe it is helpful to inform others of the downs so there is empathy and understanding for those of us on this wild ride and preparation for those embarking on it.

Since we have been home it has been a bit shaky with the girlie. Believe me, I want nothing more than to tell you that everything is wonderful. And it is much of the time. Noemi has a smile and giggle that lets the sunshine in. But the reality is that our small fry has had a difficult time adjusting to her new life (how could she not?).

Let me be clear: This is exactly where I want to be right now. Home, bonding with my daughter. I cherish sniffing flowers in the backyard with her, making silly faces together in the mirror and watching her enthusiastically try to eat bubbles during her bath. She is a strong, funny, engaging and curious little girl. I believe that her process of attaching to us and adapting to her new life is running a very typical course full of joys and fun, but that does not negate the challenges.

This girl knows that she's a looker alright.

Noemi, checking out Daddy's sweet equipment as he plays "photo shoot" in the mirror.

The first few days home we were sick and barely noticed that things were going smoothly. Noemi appeared very stoic and sweet. She allowed anyone to hold her and she was very inquisitive, making great eye contact and cute babbles. People thought this was adorable (and it was) and felt that she was doing “great.” What I have come to realize is that I think she was in a bit of shock during that time. I became aware that I was not seeing spontaneous smiling from her and that she was often expressionless after friends and family left our house. Sure—if I tickled her she would smile, but I had to earn her affections. She screamed anytime I changed her or attempted to put lotion on her. This is all par for the course, and something I fully expected would take time for any newly adopted child. But any mother wants to feel as if her child responds to her touch and enjoys being with her. So I knew we had a breakthrough when I walked into her room in the morning last week and she smiled at me in the crib. Since then she has been increasingly spontaneously smiley and is now seeking reactions from me. She now lets me put lotion on her with only a half smile/ half whimper and laughs when I smother her with kisses and zerberts on her adorably big belly.

Noemi's first taste of mango. Mmmmmmmmm...

What I did not expect was the extent of Noemi’s struggle with self-regulation. Noemi is waking throughout the night numerous times, often staying awake for hours. At first we thought it was just because she had been so sick, but now we know it is more than that. For those of you chuckling and thinking to yourself welcome to motherhood, please know that this is not helpful. You see—this is the place where many have jumped to conclusions and laughed, assuming that I did not know what I was getting myself into when I became a mommy or that all children are “fussy” through the night. If I get one more condescending pat on the back I might offer up Noemi for a sleep over. I think I had pretty realistic expectations of having a baby. It’s not the waking that is so hard—it’s the physical and emotional exhaustion of her relentless screaming, pushing away, spitting and being completely inconsolable. She’ll be almost sound asleep and then she will wake herself up by getting “punchy.” She’ll start playfully slapping my face, hitting her own head or makings silly noises and jolting herself. At this point, she begins her routine of bucking bedtime. Her eyes are closing from exhaustion, but she thrashes about in a fit of over-stimulated, disregulated rage. This is happening throughout the night and almost each time I attempt to put her down for a nap. She is napping maybe an average of 45 minutes in the AM and, maybe, if she goes down at all, 45 minutes in the afternoon. She’ll often wake up 15 minutes after being put down and I have to start all over again. Despite sticking to a calming routing, being very conscious of recommendations made by those in the field of attachment and being on lockdown this past week at home so that I can focus solely on this, it only seems to be getting worse. Which, though counterintuitive, may mean that it is getting better? One can hope.

I found some research that helped me understand—and after reading it I thought it sounded just like Noemi. It explained that children coming from orphanages often have fewer synapses formed in the brain due to lack of stimulation. When they come home to a stimulating environment, their brains begin making new connections at a rapid pace. This literally puts their little brains on overload. This over-stimulation makes them overtired, which leads to disregulation. In addition, the love and affection they receive from new parents sets off a firestorm of endorphins, causing them not to want to turn off the good feeling and go to sleep. This leads to an over-stimulated and overtired baby fighting sleep. Not to mention the added stress of a new environment with new care givers and learning new routines--oh—and her still dealing with pesky ear infections. Poor baby—this is a lot for any one bitty baby brain to handle.

Who doesn't love hiding under tissue paper?

Donovan and I have had very sweet moments as a family of three, no doubt; and I understand that those moments are what most people have witnessed and want to hear me talk about. But this blog is my place to share what is really happening. Not just the fluffies. It’s disappointing for us to not be able to focus our energies more on the fun things right now, but I know it will get better and that they will come. This is temporary and I believe that God equips us with what we need to handle the lemons along the way. We are so thankful to be able to parent her and be the ones to love her and receive her love in return. What a gift. I believe our baby girl just needs time to feel safe, secure and relaxed enough to allow herself to sleep. It’s a lot to expect of a 10-month old.

I will end with mentioning that she is, thankfully, sound asleep as I write. She is so ridiculously cute when she sleeps--butt in the air or flat on her tummy, appendages spread out like like a frog. Now please pass me my jug o' wine.

Noemi meets the mirror. This thing is hours of fun.